Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Congratulations! We have a period
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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