Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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