have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
