toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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