omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
