im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
