Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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