Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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