Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
