Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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