This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
