I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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