he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
