tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
