Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hippo gnu deer
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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