I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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