Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
