Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
