today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
