i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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