I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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