my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
