I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
