He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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