when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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