This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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