mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
