I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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