I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
