You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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