i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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