How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime