Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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