he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
