i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
