i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
