Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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