i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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