Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
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since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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