Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
