If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
