I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
