Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
