Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
