I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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