the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
