she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
