it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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