At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
