I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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