I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
