At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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