Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
